Death, Depression

Death has been a topic weighing heavily on my mind as of late.

We all have to die someday. I know this. It is an inescapable fact.

Yet when I was younger I held some hope of an afterlife. I believed in a great many things, such as "God", the "Force", or "chi", whatever you want to call it. I believed that I would train myself, through meditation and various exercises, to be able to project my consciousness, to astral travel, simply to *feel* or even *glimpse* something that gave me hope.

It never came. I tried psychedelics but I could never push myself over the edge. Too scared. I never found the patience to consistently meditate.

Instead I continued with alcohol and drugs, and here we are today. Now, I don't believe in anything. In order to quit self-medicating like I had, I took my doctors suggestion and started on a low dose of Celexa for anxiety.

It feels like so much and so little has changed at the same time. Time has moved forward and I feel worn down. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? I'm 24 now. I haven't figured out any of the answers. I'm afraid I'll be forced to just go about my mundane life, taking meds to keep happy, and I'll never figure anything out.

I simply don't know what to do anymore. And so I guess I return here, from where my journey began in a way, to seek guidance. Especially from you, Lorelei. You have a great deal of experience with psychology if I remember correctly. I look forward to hearing from you all, though.

Hi Aduros, Lorelei here. I lost my details for here and it's pretty much dead anyway, as no doubt you will have realised. I have no idea if you'll discover my tardy reply but I thought I'd offer it anyway.

There are various elements to your situation:

- The medication you're on, which will have an impact on your ability to feel your way through things. However, I wouldn't advise you to stop taking it until you reach a point of greater equilibrium and do so with the help of a doctor.

- Life ebbs and flows, ones connections do the same, perspective can be lost, and there are times when nothing seems to make sense. That doesn't mean that's a permanent state, though it can be valuable if you embrace and immerse in it. Knowing nothing is very much part of the journey. Every time I make some sort of breakthrough on my own behalf I realise not how much I know, but how big it all is and that I know nothing. Nothing can change until you can repeatedly let go. Anyone who claims absolute knowledge or enlightenment shows they don't have it.

- Whether there's an afterlife or not is of little consequence. Infinity is here now, not waiting for you when your body stops existing. Live today, live the moment, open your eyes. The desire for an afterlife is often founded on some sort of need to avoid fear, to believe that whatever happens everything will be alright. It will, whether you exist in any form after your death or not. To place such conditions upon yourself and life is not helpful.

- Whether you realise it or not you've arrived at an important place, that of unknowing, of relinquishment, even of despair. Let go, then it will shift, though not within some chosen or desired timeframe.

I doubt this place will come alive again. If you want to find me look for Loreleila or 0Salome0 on YouTube.